


Cold insides

by damnata



Series: Whumptober 2019 [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Hurt, M/M, Mental Health Issues, whumptober2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-11-09 03:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20846693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnata/pseuds/damnata
Summary: Alec hated how he snapped and lied and grabbed a waffle for the road as he kissed Magnus on the cheek in the morning just to throw it away the second he made it to the nearest dumpster.





	Cold insides

**Author's Note:**

> So I guess I´m doing this. I apologize in advance.

“Alec? Are you OK?” Magnus called out from the living room, causing the young man to startle and reach for the sink in order to turn the faucet off.

“I´m fine,” He called back, cringing at how raspy and thick his voice sounded, how painfully raw his throat was. “I´m going to take a shower, actually.”

“Make it a quick one, love. The tea is getting cold.”

Tea would be nice, Alec thought, but Magnus always forced Alec to have at least a teaspoon of honey in it, claiming that it was healthy and would help with Alec´s ever-persistent sore throat.

_ 20 calories. 5 grams of sugar. No fat. _

It was too much for Alec, but it was better than seeing the disappointed glint appear in Magnus´ eyes. He hated disappointing Magnus but lately, it seemed all he was capable of doing. He hated the look on Magnus´ face when he claimed to be too much in a hurry to have breakfast with him or when he sneaked home late after a patrol shift that he had knowingly taken so he could escape dinner, the table set up for two and Magnus waiting for him on the balcony with a glass of whiskey in his hand. 

Alec hated how he snapped and lied and grabbed a waffle for the road as he kissed Magnus on the cheek in the morning just to throw it away the second he made it to the nearest dumpster. 

He hated how Magnus knew, and how he hurt for him while Alec found joy in what he was doing. A sick kind of liberation that came from being in control.

With a sigh, Alec reached for a tissue to wipe his face and shaking hands from the bile and saliva before giving the toilet bowl a quick wipe down and flushing it, listlessly staring as the dinner of pork noodles disappeared as if it had never existed.

Only Alec remained. Only Alec and the aching pit in his stomach and the perverse satisfaction he felt when he looked at the raw skin that covered the knuckles of his shaking hand.

He sniffed and moved to turn on the shower that would mask the sound of the faucet running that had masked the sound of him retching before. He was being paranoid, he knew that, but the rituals meant to hide and deceive were only performed to spare Magnus some heartache and in turn, spare Alec some guilt.

Alec looked at the mirror above the sink, noticing the too-pink shade of his lips and the redness of his eyes. The pinprick marks of burst blood vessels that covered his pale cheeks.

He smirked to his reflection, a small show of victory gained over his wants and desires, before washing his hands and face with cold water and rinsing his mouth. With quick and efficient movements, Alec stripped out of his clothes, eyeing his body critically as it was revealed layer by layer.

He had lost weight, he assured himself as he touched trembling fingers to the sharp jut of a collarbone. He had lost weight, even though his mouth still tasted like salt and bile and his skin felt slick as if coated with the fat he had consumed. 

He had still lost weight. Alec was still in control and would remain beautiful to Magnus just a little while longer before the years to come would wreak havoc on his body.

Alec stepped under the scathing shower and let his shoulders drop as he tiredly leaned against the shower wall. His hands were still shaking even as steam rose around him. Alec had been cold for so long, had been hungry even longer.

He wondered if his hands would ever stop shaking. And if it was too late once they did.


End file.
